Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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