So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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