I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize