Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
