hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
