I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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