if you like me you must not know who I am
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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