Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
