cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
