laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
