Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
