how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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