You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
