I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
