News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
