My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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