I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
