Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
