Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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