Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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