Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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