i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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