i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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