She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I touched a dick in church today
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
