I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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