Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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