You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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