You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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