i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
