Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize