is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sarcasm needs its own font
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
