I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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