the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
