and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
