I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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