Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
