I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
