i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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