I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
