if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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