No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
