You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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