I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
