my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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