i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
