My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
