you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's get the cat blown out
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize