I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
