im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
