The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
