Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
