"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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