Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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