All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Randomize