this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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