On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
