Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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