Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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