I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
