Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize