four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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