You can't special order awesome
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
