I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
